I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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