I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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