you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
