All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
