i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
