It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Randomize
