Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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