I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize