You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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