Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
