oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
