we have pet lesbian snakes
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Michael Bay diarrhea
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
