By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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