nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
people are starting to question the shark bite story
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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