his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
