PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
