I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
