i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
