Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
