I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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