we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
