There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I need to align my fucking chakras
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
