Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
