Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
