grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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