You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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