cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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