I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
