You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
