i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
