Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
