So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
