Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
