So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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