the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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