At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
