I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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