I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
