I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just found a bag of teeth...
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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