Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
