He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
