I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He shit in the fireplace
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize