He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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