I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
