So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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