is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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