Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
