Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
