They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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