I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
