420 ftw
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
