I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
