Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
