Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
