nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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