Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
